I shouldn't be writing this. I have six chapters of psychology to read this week, a ten-page ethnographic research paper to write by next Tuesday, etc etc etc. I haven't started any of this, I'm too stuck on how uncomfortable and sick I feel. Both my body and soul are desperately tangled and spread too thin, Trying to unravel my issues is like pulling strands of hair up through my throat, one by one, without slicing my vocal chords. I feel so detached from everything, I'm turning colder each and every day. I'm so tired, physically and emotionally spent...This is what college has done to me, and I'm scared for myself.
I thought I would like college a lot. Finally, I would be getting freedom! Finally, I would be turning over a new leaf! Finally, I would be taking classes that I liked instead of stupid high school general requirements, and meeting new friends that I could be my true self to. A new me would emerge, I was so sure...
But none of that really happened. Every once in a while I'll get comfortable with someone and have a decent conversation, but mostly I feel uncomfortable and alone. I haven't made many friends here at all. So often I feel like I'm on the edge of a complete meltdown, things seem to be spinning out of control and no one is here to stop me from falling in on myself. The only thing I have here is my art, my journal. But even that is a double-edged sword, acting as a distraction from all of these issues that I need to confront.
All I can say is that I hope next semester is better. I hope my heart warms up, that I make some friends in my classes there.
And I know that this is angsty, but I feel like you guys, better than anyone, will be able to understand, and to support me during this difficult time. I want to feel connected to people again...
Anyway...I feel like I should introduce myself in a less slitting-my-wrists way. My name is Hannah, and I'm 18 yrs old. I'm a freshman at UC Berkeley, and as you might have discerned, I'm not super happy here. My dorm room is too small, my roommates and I aren't close, I don't have many friends. The people here just seem so impenetrable, and so I shut down. I'm very shy and insecure here, and so even when I know I am being socially awkward, I often feel helpless to change my behavior.
Lately I've been finding solace in dreamland though... I'm taking a class on Bob Dylan (It's AMAZING :D :D) and so am now thoroughly obsessed with all things the 60s, Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, etc etc. Add this to the persistent obsession with the Beat generation of the 1950s that I've had since I was 16 and you get a fervant desire to find a time machine and escape these technological doldrums for the real, passionate life of the 60s. What I wouldn't give to be transported back 50 years... I'm always having these fantasies of dropping out of college and going out "on the road" like Kerouac, liberating myself from all technology and getting a taste of the real heart of life. There must be something more than this, I'm always thinking.
I'm also super obsessed with art. Art is what keeps me going, keeps me sane...It's my everything. I want to get a job as an illustrator or concept artist after college, preferrably at Walt Disney Imagineering. I feel like if I can get to work for Disney, my soul will finally be in the creative, happy utopia that it belongs. :) (I'm also obsessed with Disneyland, not to be confused with Disney channel. D:)
And so that's me! Writing this has already made me feel a lot better, and I'll feel even better once I get OUT of this dorm room !!!
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Okay, i'll try to add my two cents to this...
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you have said. i felt the same way starting collage and I still do to some extent. (I'm in my second year, btw.) I innitally roomed with my high school best friend and being infp and caring about authenticy and quality more than quanity of friends i was more focused on trying to keep the peace with her than I was with new people. I really should have check up to make sure that the authenticy and quality wasen't just comming from my end, because I had to get a new roomate mid year. At the same time a lot of other stuff was going on and I kind of felt all (not just her, but all of our mutiual friends as well) of my friends had stoped talking 2 me just cuz she did.
I was really hurt because once again in my life someone who i thought i could trust treated me badly, but I realized that I needed to focus.
What are you passionate about? Some of the people I can relate to the most have been ppl with similar goals, outlooks, belifes. As a perceiver I natrally like to be around a lot of different types of people, but also its important for an INFP to feel understood. Some of the people i get along with the best I have met through Campus Crusade for Christ.
Also, i think that when your down its gods way of trying to teach you to get back up. I was living in my confort zone insted of doing what i really wanted to do. Seeing as my belief were important to me I wanted to join the bible stdy group in my dorm, but was kinda nervious about popping up with a bunch of people i didn't know. I had been trying to convince my then roomate to go (that was one of the reasons, the other reason is because i wanted her to think about some of they way she had been acting and treating ppl in retrospect to her beliefs) but she didn't want to go, so I didn't go. It took the push of not having that at all to make em go by by myself, and i'm so glad I did. I guess you could say everything happens for a reason. I met so many lovely ppl who I can relate too.
Now, thats not to say that life is all rosey now. I still get frustrated with collage, as we all do, and I still feel alone sometimes, even if i''m around other people. That mabye just comes with being an "IN". We are on a different wavelength than most ppl lol.
Good luck with the rest of your year, and keep us posted
- Keshia
PS: http://www.smackjeeves.com/images/uploaded/comics/f/8/f8d44b146008.png